We may not want to hear it, but here, our writer offers a tantalising glimpse into the male psyche. Here, we reveal the top ten reasons why men dump women.
It begins with a doubt:This woman is not as exciting as I thought she was, it was more fun to be single, I could do better. If these thoughts gain a certain momentum, a breaking point is reached and a man goes into dumping mode.
Once there, he will do one of three things. He will justify the breakup to the woman in question by blaming himself – it is a bad time in his life, he is not ready for a relationship, it’s his problem, his fault, on and on. This is very noble, very dishonest (more than likely he has just grown bored) and very unsatisfying for the woman.
The second possibility is that he will use the pretext of a fight. Perhaps even deliberately sparking a quarrel over a relatively minor issue-to blame the woman for this and that and justify the breakup. The danger here is that she offers to change, which is not what the man wants. He wants out. Blaming the woman for the breakup is generally bad policy.
Last, but certainly not least, he will go into passive, sleep mode, withdrawing from the relationship, giving less and less of himself, until something bad happens. Or in this case for the man, something good. Stretched out over several weeks, sometimes years, passive resistance is the dumping strategy of choice for many men.
In any event, he will almost never reveal the real reason for the breakup and it will be almost impossible to worm it out of him or figure it out later on your own. (Men are bad at expressing their feelings, but they are geniuses at disguising them when necessary.)
The following are ten solid reasons why a man will dump a woman – what is really going on in his mind when he tries to blame himself, or pick a convenient fight, or sabotage the relationship.
Some of these reasons are purely hormonal, perhaps genetic. Some, however, are reactions to anti-seductive behavior on the part of the female – overt neediness, suffocating tendencies, etc.
Knowledge of the art of seduction will help prevent such problems before they arise. For once a man goes into dumping mode, there is generally no turning back and little you can do to stop it.
Fantasy deprivation: Men love to fantasise. Fantasy requires some mental space, some distance from the object of fantasy. In the beginning, a man does not know the woman so well, so he can imagine all kinds of possible delights. If the woman becomes too familiar too quickly, in the spirit of forging intimacy, she eliminates all of the mystery, squashes the distance needed for fantasy. A man may not even be aware of what he is missing, but his eyes will soon start to wander…to other women who present possibilities and outlets for fantasies. He will either have an affair, or dump. Of course, with the next woman the mystery is likely to wear off as well, and so unless he grows out of this need, he will turn into a rake or serial adulterer.
Bad sex: No one in their right mind would ever use this as a reason, but it is a frequent cause for break-ups. It has one of two origins-bad physical chemistry between the partners, or over time sex has become predictable and stale. In the old days men had brothels and courtesans to solve this problem – the wife provided emotional comfort and stability, the courtesan the physical thrill. Now, a man caught in a physically dull relationship must either cheat, develop a porn addiction, or dump.
Moving Upward: The man’s status changes – either suddenly or more gradually he has moved up in the world. The girlfriend or wife no longer suits this change. He needs a newer model, so to speak. This is one of the worst and most mercenary of all reasons for a dumping, so it will be covered up with all kinds of other rationalisations. Related to this is the woman who is socially embarrassing to the man-great in bed, but awful to be seen around in public. She does not suit the man’s social status and at some point must be dumped.
Suffocation: This is the scenario: at first a woman seems to be so much in love with you. She has so much energy, gives you so much attention, that it is madly seductive. Usually the sex is quite good. Then, when the first rush is over, it becomes more and more apparent that she is actually quite desperate. She feels empty and insecure; she is trying to solve all of her problems through a relationship. Such women tend to be the fiercely jealous type. In any event, what was once exciting soon becomes repulsive and the man will go into unrepentant dumping mode.
Emasculation: A man likes to feel in control. He has to have something he can claim as his realm, his edge, what makes him superior. If the woman makes more money, has a better position, and is better educated, he will feel emasculated. If his superiority is in something minor, such as DIY, or killing spiders, this will work for a while but soon it will be clear that he has turned into a wife of sorts, his superiority being domestic.
Generally it takes a while for this thought to brew in the male’s mind – an accumulation of moments in which it is clear he is not superior in any way. In this instance, the man will rarely be honest with himself. He will find some other reason to justify a breakup. And he will be sure to choose a less threatening woman next time.
Ideal mismatches: This can be in both directions. The woman does not end up being what the man thought she was, does not correspond to the ideal he had unrealistically seen in her. Sometimes he will try to change her but more often he will dump and continue his impossible quest for the perfect woman.
On the other hand, it might be the woman who finds that the man is not what she had thought. He is not so noble, his future prospects not so great, on and on. She will criticize, or try to reform him. Perhaps even nag. Unless he’s a masochist, sooner or later the man will dump such a woman.
Lost girlish spirit: Men’s attraction to younger women is not completely physical. A man is attracted to her girlish spirit. Girls can be silly, adventurous, devilishly feminine, less restrained in general. This spirit is contagious and refreshing to men who must be so rational and boring in their daily lives. An older woman does not have to remain a girl, but some spark of that spirit must remain. If she becomes defensive, or a little bitter, or a little too hardened and serious, the man will feel he is living with another man. His thoughts will turn to other women, probably younger.
Too much drama: There is a degree of drama that men like. They like the initial excitement of the relationship, the new emotions it stirs. They like the attention and even the quarrels that add spice to life.
But as the relationship progresses the man craves a degree of calmness around him. He does not like a lot of stürm und drang about feelings and emotional problems the woman is experiencing with other people in her life. A lot of times this is a very self–involved woman who creates constant drama around herself. The man will feel neglected, will go into dumping mode, and will next look for the maternal, caring type of woman.
Gone to pot: The girlfriend or wife has put on pounds, stopped looking after herself, wears track suits around the house, pyjamas in bed. She has stopped trying, believing that she can be as comfortable as she likes. Some men will be forgiving, particularly if they are following the same path, but for many this is the spark for starting to think of straying.
Someone else: Most often, when a man falls for someone else his eyes have already started to wander. Something is missing in the relationship, at least for him. He may not even be aware of this, but unconsciously he has made himself available to the charms of other women. He may later say that he simply could not help himself, and fell in love with his secretary, but the truth is that long before, something was stirring inside that made him vulnerable to an affair or to leaving the woman for someone else. Unconsciously, he may be even using this new romantic entanglement as an excuse for a dumping that should have occurred long before.