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Dear Lira

Dear Lira ‘My husband died and I fell in love with his cousin’

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Questions & Answers

Should I remarry?

I’m 42 years old and lost my husband four years ago. l fell in love with his cousin last year but he wants to get married. I’ve told him I want to be in a relationship but I don’t want to remarry. I suggested he marry someone else – and he did. Can I still only be his partner? Please help, I love him but I’m confused.

Answer

Are you saying you’re considering being the other woman? What are your reasons for not wanting to remarry? Is remarrying such a bad idea that you would consider or promote infidelity instead? Have you thought about the fact the cousin will be cheating on his wife with you? I suggest you give this some proper thought. The man merely wanted to make an honourable woman out of you. It’s either you’re in or out, not in between.

Question

First-love trouble

I’m 39 and have been married for eight years and have two kids. I’m still in love with my high school boyfriend and we’ve been in contact ever since. He married someone else and when I got married, he was in the process of getting a divorce. My marriage has its ups and downs and he’s always there for me if I need a shoulder to cry on. Now he wants me back in his life for good. He loves me and I’ve always loved him but I don’t know what to do. Please help.

Answer

Your first love will always have a special place in your heart, but it doesn’t mean you should give in to your feelings for him, especially if you’re with someone else. Is it worth losing what you have with your husband and the father of your children? Since you’re confused, it’s time for you to look at the pros and cons of pursuing your relationship with your high school sweetheart or your husband. That way you can make a decision that works best for you. Remember, whatever you decide will affect your husband and children

Question

He’s a serial cheater

I’m a 25-year-old lady who’s involved with a 29-year-old guy. We’ve been dating for four years. He cheats on me all the time and when I find out and confront him he says it’s the last time, but he’s a liar. I recently found out he’s having sex with prostitutes, and it ripped me apart. If I’m not mistaken, he’s cheated on me with 15 girls. I love him with all my heart and we’re renting together.

Answer

If you can do a headcount of the times he has cheated on you, why are you still with him? His actions have made it clear he’s never going to change. He has continuously cheated on you and does not even seem remorseful. Do you even know if he’s been using protection or not in his escapades? Subjecting yourself to more of this behaviour is self-abuse. It’s time you looked out for yourself.

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Dear Lira

SIBLING ATTRACTION: I am deeply in love with my half-sister even though I am engaged

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She had married and had a girl. She is now 22.

I was nervous but the family were warm and friendly. My half-sister was kind and very attractive. There seems to be such a bond between us.

I can’t stop thinking about her in a sexual way. Neither of us has mentioned that night but I think more about her than I do my fiancée.

LIRA SAYS: A strong attraction to a sibling you haven’t grown up with is a well-known phenomenon.

But I am afraid that a sexual relationship with your newly found half-sister is against the law. It counts as incest.

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Dear Lira

DEAR LIRA: I met my girlfriend’s parents and realised I once slept with her father

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Five years ago, I went through a bi phase and used to sleep around with pretty much everyone that came along, including other men. This changed when I fell in love with my new partner, who is everything to me. I recently met her parents and halfway through lunch realised that I had slept with her father. I was going to propose, but when my partner and her mother were away, he told me to end it with his daughter. I’m obviously in love – shall I just ignore him, or tell my partner?

I am not sure you could ever have a comfortable future with your new partner. To tell the truth would be to court disaster: a probable break-up, plus the risk of a permanent rift between father and daughter and father and wife. Hiding the truth would lead to toxic secret-keeping that could be equally destructive in the long run. If this whole family was as open-minded and sexually open as you, it might be possible for you to become part of it. However, the father – your former lover – has made it clear that you will not be welcome. Walk away now, and avoid the massive pain that would otherwise be inflicted on your partner, her family and yourself.

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Dear Lira

DEAR LIRA!!! I want to be with my lover full-time but that seems like an impossible dream

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AFTER 27 years of marriage, I have fallen in love for the first time. I want to be with my lover full-time but that seems like an impossible dream.

My husband and I are both 51. For the past few years he’s had problems performing in bed. Sex became a chore so we gave up. I realised in time I still wanted intimacy in my life but those sad, sleazy websites for cheats are not for me.

Then my boss sent me on a training course. It included an overnight stay and that’s when my love life fell into place. I went to a bar in the evening and got chatted up by this wonderful man. He’s two years older than me and it was like we had already met in a previous life.

We had sex that night. It was intense and wonderful. We hugged as we parted the next day. He lives up north and I live in London but we still exchanged numbers and hoped for the best. He texted me later that day and every day since.

It’s hard to arrange but we’ve managed to meet up three times. The sex is like nothing I have ever experienced before. It gets better each time and we’ve fallen in love. His wife found out about us but she has a good lifestyle she won’t throw away.

My husband found out but he hates making waves and agreed we could meet now and then. I want to leave him and be with the man that I love. I live on edge, hoping my husband won’t see all the emails I send to my lover, then sometimes wishing he would.

There seems no solution to this. I’ve got two daughters and my lover has sons. They are no longer children but are still young enough to be hurt.

Dear Naledi

You are playing with fire and living on dreams.

You’ve sent lots of emails and texts but have only met up with your lover four times. Is that enough to know he is The One? It seems more likely to me that you are using each other as a distraction from your lacklustre marriages. That isn’t unusual but keep your eyes open in case this backfires.

What if your husband decides that enough is enough, that he can’t stand you cheating and finds somebody else? What if your lover puts pressure on you to leave home?I’m not sure you want that as much as you say.

Suggest that you take a break from each other – for three months, say – while you give your life-partners the time and attention they need. Ask your husband to see his GP in case he has a medical problem that needs sorting.

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