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Dear Lira

DEAR LIRA: I’m hooked on sex with a bad boy

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I LOVE my fella but I hate the fact that he’s so unreliable. He never turns up on time, never does what he says or finishes a job.

A few months ago my sister got married and he didn’t manage to make it to the ceremony or the breakfast.

My fella finally staggered into the evening disco looking like death. He told a garbled story about being ill. But three days later I discovered that he’d been with another woman.

He doesn’t really work, he never has any money and he tells terrible lies. In the five years I’ve known him we’ve broken up and got back together too many times to remember.

He’s also had piles of money off me too. At the moment we’re estranged. He’s back living with his stepmum. He’s texting me to say that he can’t stand her – she’s too bossy, too demanding – and he wants to come home.

Dare I take him back again? My parents and friends are all saying I shouldn’t. Even his birth mother has said that I’d be an idiot to give him another chance. But the problem is that I love him.

I know he’s useless, but I can’t resist him. Just the thought of having him in my arms again sends tingles up my spine.

The last time we made love was in April. He turned up drunk late one night. I was lonely and vulnerable. He threw me on the bed and ravished me. I still fantasise about it now.

The sex was amazing – as it always is with him. He’s a bad boy in every sense of the word – but he’s my bad boy. At the moment he’s saying that he’s changed. He’s going to get a proper job and stop drinking. He’s even offered to pay back every penny he owes me.

What do you think? Should I take another chance on this rough diamond?

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LIRA SAYS: Rough diamond? This bloke sounds more like a bit of cheap plastic. Nothing about him is real. He does not tell the truth or follow through.

You cannot trust him from one minute to the next. Of course you’re going to take this “bad boy” back because you always do. But if you’re asking me if you’re going to change him and live happily ever after, then, of course my answer is no.

The fact is that this man will always disappoint you, because he’s not interested in commitment. It doesn’t suit him. As soon as you settle into a routine and everything gets too predictable and “normal”, he will be off again.

How much more can you stand? You have already gone through numerous splits. How many tears have you shed on his behalf? How much time have you wasted fretting over him?

Do you honestly feel that you can cope with yet another bust-up? I think the best thing you can do is tell him to stay exactly where he is and prove his love by sending back all the money he owes you.

Let him woo and impress you, but don’t hold your breath. All I ask is that you go into these next few weeks with your eyes fully open. Life is short and you’re in danger of squandering yours.

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Dear Lira

SIBLING ATTRACTION: I am deeply in love with my half-sister even though I am engaged

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She had married and had a girl. She is now 22.

I was nervous but the family were warm and friendly. My half-sister was kind and very attractive. There seems to be such a bond between us.

I can’t stop thinking about her in a sexual way. Neither of us has mentioned that night but I think more about her than I do my fiancée.

LIRA SAYS: A strong attraction to a sibling you haven’t grown up with is a well-known phenomenon.

But I am afraid that a sexual relationship with your newly found half-sister is against the law. It counts as incest.

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Dear Lira

DEAR LIRA: I met my girlfriend’s parents and realised I once slept with her father

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Five years ago, I went through a bi phase and used to sleep around with pretty much everyone that came along, including other men. This changed when I fell in love with my new partner, who is everything to me. I recently met her parents and halfway through lunch realised that I had slept with her father. I was going to propose, but when my partner and her mother were away, he told me to end it with his daughter. I’m obviously in love – shall I just ignore him, or tell my partner?

I am not sure you could ever have a comfortable future with your new partner. To tell the truth would be to court disaster: a probable break-up, plus the risk of a permanent rift between father and daughter and father and wife. Hiding the truth would lead to toxic secret-keeping that could be equally destructive in the long run. If this whole family was as open-minded and sexually open as you, it might be possible for you to become part of it. However, the father – your former lover – has made it clear that you will not be welcome. Walk away now, and avoid the massive pain that would otherwise be inflicted on your partner, her family and yourself.

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Dear Lira

DEAR LIRA!!! I want to be with my lover full-time but that seems like an impossible dream

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AFTER 27 years of marriage, I have fallen in love for the first time. I want to be with my lover full-time but that seems like an impossible dream.

My husband and I are both 51. For the past few years he’s had problems performing in bed. Sex became a chore so we gave up. I realised in time I still wanted intimacy in my life but those sad, sleazy websites for cheats are not for me.

Then my boss sent me on a training course. It included an overnight stay and that’s when my love life fell into place. I went to a bar in the evening and got chatted up by this wonderful man. He’s two years older than me and it was like we had already met in a previous life.

We had sex that night. It was intense and wonderful. We hugged as we parted the next day. He lives up north and I live in London but we still exchanged numbers and hoped for the best. He texted me later that day and every day since.

It’s hard to arrange but we’ve managed to meet up three times. The sex is like nothing I have ever experienced before. It gets better each time and we’ve fallen in love. His wife found out about us but she has a good lifestyle she won’t throw away.

My husband found out but he hates making waves and agreed we could meet now and then. I want to leave him and be with the man that I love. I live on edge, hoping my husband won’t see all the emails I send to my lover, then sometimes wishing he would.

There seems no solution to this. I’ve got two daughters and my lover has sons. They are no longer children but are still young enough to be hurt.

Dear Naledi

You are playing with fire and living on dreams.

You’ve sent lots of emails and texts but have only met up with your lover four times. Is that enough to know he is The One? It seems more likely to me that you are using each other as a distraction from your lacklustre marriages. That isn’t unusual but keep your eyes open in case this backfires.

What if your husband decides that enough is enough, that he can’t stand you cheating and finds somebody else? What if your lover puts pressure on you to leave home?I’m not sure you want that as much as you say.

Suggest that you take a break from each other – for three months, say – while you give your life-partners the time and attention they need. Ask your husband to see his GP in case he has a medical problem that needs sorting.

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