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Dear Lira

DEAR LIRA: I’m having a really hot affair with another woman who only wants sex — should I leave my wife?

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I’M married but having really hot sex with another woman. I am falling for her but she only wants sex.

I have never been faithful to any woman. I married at 19 because my girlfriend was pregnant.

I’m having really hot sex with another woman, but she’s colder on romance

We had another child two years later but I cheated throughout the marriage and we divorced after nine years.

It messed our children up badly. They are now in their teens and don’t speak to me.

I met my present partner ten years ago. I am 40, she is 37 and we have sons of eight and seven and a daughter of five.

I’ve cheated on her, too. Sometimes my cheating was long-term, sometimes one-offs.But it’s all changed since we got a new office manager at work. She is 30, beautiful, clever and funny. I went into work late one morning because I had been to the dentist. I offered to stay behind to finish my work and it ended up with just me and her there.

We got chatting and the atmosphere was electric. We started kissing and soon we were having sex in her office. I have started having real feelings for her but she has never wanted more than occasional sex. She says her career comes first and she does not want a complicated relationship.

Then my partner found some texts on my phone and realised what was going on. I moved out because I wanted a single life for a while but also to be near my other woman. I know she has strong feelings for me but probably not love.

My partner forgave me and I went back for the kids. I know this is not fair on my partner. She is amazing, except physically. She is overweight while my other woman is slim and toned.

Perhaps I should settle for second-best but I firmly believe that you only get one chance in life.

DEAR LIRE SAYS:  Your lover may be slim and fit but it doesn’t sound like deeply felt love on either side – more about lust, in fact. Even if you were with her, how long before your eye would wander again?

It’s not a question of settling for second-best now. You never commit to one person without thinking the grass may be greener elsewhere.

Chances are your problems go way back to childhood experiences. Did you live in an emotionally chaotic family? What was your parents’ relationship like?

Before you wake up one day and find your partner’s patience has run out, read my e-leaflet Can’t Be Faithful? and get help to stop your wanderlust.

End your affair and focus on your children and “amazing” partner.

Maybe she would find the incentive to get fit if she could tell you really cared. Try to rebuild your relationship with your older children too. They can only have one dad.

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Dear Lira

SIBLING ATTRACTION: I am deeply in love with my half-sister even though I am engaged

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She had married and had a girl. She is now 22.

I was nervous but the family were warm and friendly. My half-sister was kind and very attractive. There seems to be such a bond between us.

I can’t stop thinking about her in a sexual way. Neither of us has mentioned that night but I think more about her than I do my fiancée.

LIRA SAYS: A strong attraction to a sibling you haven’t grown up with is a well-known phenomenon.

But I am afraid that a sexual relationship with your newly found half-sister is against the law. It counts as incest.

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Dear Lira

DEAR LIRA: I met my girlfriend’s parents and realised I once slept with her father

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Five years ago, I went through a bi phase and used to sleep around with pretty much everyone that came along, including other men. This changed when I fell in love with my new partner, who is everything to me. I recently met her parents and halfway through lunch realised that I had slept with her father. I was going to propose, but when my partner and her mother were away, he told me to end it with his daughter. I’m obviously in love – shall I just ignore him, or tell my partner?

I am not sure you could ever have a comfortable future with your new partner. To tell the truth would be to court disaster: a probable break-up, plus the risk of a permanent rift between father and daughter and father and wife. Hiding the truth would lead to toxic secret-keeping that could be equally destructive in the long run. If this whole family was as open-minded and sexually open as you, it might be possible for you to become part of it. However, the father – your former lover – has made it clear that you will not be welcome. Walk away now, and avoid the massive pain that would otherwise be inflicted on your partner, her family and yourself.

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Dear Lira

DEAR LIRA!!! I want to be with my lover full-time but that seems like an impossible dream

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AFTER 27 years of marriage, I have fallen in love for the first time. I want to be with my lover full-time but that seems like an impossible dream.

My husband and I are both 51. For the past few years he’s had problems performing in bed. Sex became a chore so we gave up. I realised in time I still wanted intimacy in my life but those sad, sleazy websites for cheats are not for me.

Then my boss sent me on a training course. It included an overnight stay and that’s when my love life fell into place. I went to a bar in the evening and got chatted up by this wonderful man. He’s two years older than me and it was like we had already met in a previous life.

We had sex that night. It was intense and wonderful. We hugged as we parted the next day. He lives up north and I live in London but we still exchanged numbers and hoped for the best. He texted me later that day and every day since.

It’s hard to arrange but we’ve managed to meet up three times. The sex is like nothing I have ever experienced before. It gets better each time and we’ve fallen in love. His wife found out about us but she has a good lifestyle she won’t throw away.

My husband found out but he hates making waves and agreed we could meet now and then. I want to leave him and be with the man that I love. I live on edge, hoping my husband won’t see all the emails I send to my lover, then sometimes wishing he would.

There seems no solution to this. I’ve got two daughters and my lover has sons. They are no longer children but are still young enough to be hurt.

Dear Naledi

You are playing with fire and living on dreams.

You’ve sent lots of emails and texts but have only met up with your lover four times. Is that enough to know he is The One? It seems more likely to me that you are using each other as a distraction from your lacklustre marriages. That isn’t unusual but keep your eyes open in case this backfires.

What if your husband decides that enough is enough, that he can’t stand you cheating and finds somebody else? What if your lover puts pressure on you to leave home?I’m not sure you want that as much as you say.

Suggest that you take a break from each other – for three months, say – while you give your life-partners the time and attention they need. Ask your husband to see his GP in case he has a medical problem that needs sorting.

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