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Dear Lira

DEAR LIRA: I’m 16 and cheated on my boyfriend by losing my virginity to a 40-year-old man

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DEAR DEIDRE: I HAD planned to lose my virginity to my boyfriend – but lost it to an older guy.

Now I am worried my boyfriend will know I am no longer a virgin.

 I lost my virginity to much older man
I lost my virginity to much older man

I am 16 and went with a friend to meet a guy she had been talking to online.

She is 17 and will sleep with anyone. This bloke lives a long way away so we went by train and he collected us from the station.

He seemed about 40 but nice, and she went upstairs with him while I stayed downstairs and looked at a magazine. I could hear them upstairs in the bedroom.

I became quite aroused and hot during all this, although I said I heard nothing when my mate came down and asked. I think she knew I was lying.

I said I thought he was fit and wouldn’t mind sleeping with him myself.

She told him when he came out of the shower. He said he would have sex with me, too, if I was sure it was what I wanted.

I said I was and he took me upstairs. I told him I was a virgin and he was very gentle.

He used lots of lubrication and talked me through what was going on.

After, he drove us to the station and we caught the train home.

My friend and I have been to his place a couple of times since.

My boyfriend, who is 17, is now talking about us having sex.

I do love him. My worry is that he will somehow know I have been with someone else and will see me as a cheat.

I have been to a clinic and got contraception, so at least I know I am not pregnant.

LIRA SAYS: You and your friend are lucky to be alive. This guy could have had all sorts of grim plans for what was to happen when you went into his house.

Please don’t ever do anything like that again.

My e-leaflet Staying Safe Online gives practical advice. Make sure your friend reads it and takes it on board, too.

Your boyfriend will not be able to tell for sure that you are not a virgin. The notion that your vagina is somehow “sealed” until you first have sex is a myth.

But quite apart from all the physical risks, it is best you save sex for someone you care for, who also cares for you and you have a proper relationship with.

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Dear Lira

SIBLING ATTRACTION: I am deeply in love with my half-sister even though I am engaged

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She had married and had a girl. She is now 22.

I was nervous but the family were warm and friendly. My half-sister was kind and very attractive. There seems to be such a bond between us.

I can’t stop thinking about her in a sexual way. Neither of us has mentioned that night but I think more about her than I do my fiancée.

LIRA SAYS: A strong attraction to a sibling you haven’t grown up with is a well-known phenomenon.

But I am afraid that a sexual relationship with your newly found half-sister is against the law. It counts as incest.

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Dear Lira

DEAR LIRA: I met my girlfriend’s parents and realised I once slept with her father

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Five years ago, I went through a bi phase and used to sleep around with pretty much everyone that came along, including other men. This changed when I fell in love with my new partner, who is everything to me. I recently met her parents and halfway through lunch realised that I had slept with her father. I was going to propose, but when my partner and her mother were away, he told me to end it with his daughter. I’m obviously in love – shall I just ignore him, or tell my partner?

I am not sure you could ever have a comfortable future with your new partner. To tell the truth would be to court disaster: a probable break-up, plus the risk of a permanent rift between father and daughter and father and wife. Hiding the truth would lead to toxic secret-keeping that could be equally destructive in the long run. If this whole family was as open-minded and sexually open as you, it might be possible for you to become part of it. However, the father – your former lover – has made it clear that you will not be welcome. Walk away now, and avoid the massive pain that would otherwise be inflicted on your partner, her family and yourself.

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Dear Lira

DEAR LIRA!!! I want to be with my lover full-time but that seems like an impossible dream

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AFTER 27 years of marriage, I have fallen in love for the first time. I want to be with my lover full-time but that seems like an impossible dream.

My husband and I are both 51. For the past few years he’s had problems performing in bed. Sex became a chore so we gave up. I realised in time I still wanted intimacy in my life but those sad, sleazy websites for cheats are not for me.

Then my boss sent me on a training course. It included an overnight stay and that’s when my love life fell into place. I went to a bar in the evening and got chatted up by this wonderful man. He’s two years older than me and it was like we had already met in a previous life.

We had sex that night. It was intense and wonderful. We hugged as we parted the next day. He lives up north and I live in London but we still exchanged numbers and hoped for the best. He texted me later that day and every day since.

It’s hard to arrange but we’ve managed to meet up three times. The sex is like nothing I have ever experienced before. It gets better each time and we’ve fallen in love. His wife found out about us but she has a good lifestyle she won’t throw away.

My husband found out but he hates making waves and agreed we could meet now and then. I want to leave him and be with the man that I love. I live on edge, hoping my husband won’t see all the emails I send to my lover, then sometimes wishing he would.

There seems no solution to this. I’ve got two daughters and my lover has sons. They are no longer children but are still young enough to be hurt.

Dear Naledi

You are playing with fire and living on dreams.

You’ve sent lots of emails and texts but have only met up with your lover four times. Is that enough to know he is The One? It seems more likely to me that you are using each other as a distraction from your lacklustre marriages. That isn’t unusual but keep your eyes open in case this backfires.

What if your husband decides that enough is enough, that he can’t stand you cheating and finds somebody else? What if your lover puts pressure on you to leave home?I’m not sure you want that as much as you say.

Suggest that you take a break from each other – for three months, say – while you give your life-partners the time and attention they need. Ask your husband to see his GP in case he has a medical problem that needs sorting.

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