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Dear Lira

DEAR LIRA: I am having sex with two men and don’t know how to choose between them

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DEAR LIRA: I AM in love with two men and having sex with them both.

I love each of them in different ways but I know I must choose.

Things have not been right between me and my partner for a couple of years.

He does not want to spend time with me and, when he does, it is only for sex.

It often feels as if it’s all he wants me for.

I am 34 and he is 39.

Six months ago I discovered he was ­messaging other women and exchanging sexy photos with them.

I asked for a break in our relationship and he agreed. He moved out to live with a friend for a while.

I got talking to other men online and my whole life changed.

I hit it off with one particular guy.

We decided to meet over a drink and he gave me all the attention I had been yearning for with my partner.

Suddenly there was lots of talking and lots of focus on me. He made me feel good about myself.

Things heated up very fast. In the blink of an eye we were back at my place having wonderful sex together.

 My partner would be devastated if he knew the truth

I never felt used, just valued. The tricky part is that I love him but I also still love my partner.

My partner and I got back together because I still have these feelings for him, but he works away a lot so it is not difficult for my lover and me to see one another.

My partner keeps promising to change but he always goes back to his old ways after a short while.

On the other hand, my new relationship scares me because there is no security.

He lives a long way from me and I worry that if I choose him over my partner and things go wrong, I will end up alone.

I know I ought to give up my lover and make a proper life with my partner but I just cannot bring myself to do it.

When I see my new man, all I can think of is the sex we will be having.

He is 31, so a bit younger than me, but a brilliant lover and takes time to find out just what feels best for me.

No man has ever cared so much about my feelings and welfare before.

LIRA SAYS: Have you and your lover talked about how you see the future? Does he know you have a partner?

The sex may be wonderful but do you enjoy one another’s company, go out to places together and feel like friends as well as lovers?

If you do, then ask him how he feels about your long-term future.

If he’s positive, you might always regret it if you don’t try getting together with him.

If it’s all about sex, you’d probably best accept that is all there is ever going to be.

In that case, best end it now before you get hurt and focus on whether you want to keep trying with your relationship or accept your partner will never change long-term and move on.

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Dear Lira

SIBLING ATTRACTION: I am deeply in love with my half-sister even though I am engaged

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She had married and had a girl. She is now 22.

I was nervous but the family were warm and friendly. My half-sister was kind and very attractive. There seems to be such a bond between us.

I can’t stop thinking about her in a sexual way. Neither of us has mentioned that night but I think more about her than I do my fiancée.

LIRA SAYS: A strong attraction to a sibling you haven’t grown up with is a well-known phenomenon.

But I am afraid that a sexual relationship with your newly found half-sister is against the law. It counts as incest.

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Dear Lira

DEAR LIRA: I met my girlfriend’s parents and realised I once slept with her father

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Five years ago, I went through a bi phase and used to sleep around with pretty much everyone that came along, including other men. This changed when I fell in love with my new partner, who is everything to me. I recently met her parents and halfway through lunch realised that I had slept with her father. I was going to propose, but when my partner and her mother were away, he told me to end it with his daughter. I’m obviously in love – shall I just ignore him, or tell my partner?

I am not sure you could ever have a comfortable future with your new partner. To tell the truth would be to court disaster: a probable break-up, plus the risk of a permanent rift between father and daughter and father and wife. Hiding the truth would lead to toxic secret-keeping that could be equally destructive in the long run. If this whole family was as open-minded and sexually open as you, it might be possible for you to become part of it. However, the father – your former lover – has made it clear that you will not be welcome. Walk away now, and avoid the massive pain that would otherwise be inflicted on your partner, her family and yourself.

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Dear Lira

DEAR LIRA!!! I want to be with my lover full-time but that seems like an impossible dream

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AFTER 27 years of marriage, I have fallen in love for the first time. I want to be with my lover full-time but that seems like an impossible dream.

My husband and I are both 51. For the past few years he’s had problems performing in bed. Sex became a chore so we gave up. I realised in time I still wanted intimacy in my life but those sad, sleazy websites for cheats are not for me.

Then my boss sent me on a training course. It included an overnight stay and that’s when my love life fell into place. I went to a bar in the evening and got chatted up by this wonderful man. He’s two years older than me and it was like we had already met in a previous life.

We had sex that night. It was intense and wonderful. We hugged as we parted the next day. He lives up north and I live in London but we still exchanged numbers and hoped for the best. He texted me later that day and every day since.

It’s hard to arrange but we’ve managed to meet up three times. The sex is like nothing I have ever experienced before. It gets better each time and we’ve fallen in love. His wife found out about us but she has a good lifestyle she won’t throw away.

My husband found out but he hates making waves and agreed we could meet now and then. I want to leave him and be with the man that I love. I live on edge, hoping my husband won’t see all the emails I send to my lover, then sometimes wishing he would.

There seems no solution to this. I’ve got two daughters and my lover has sons. They are no longer children but are still young enough to be hurt.

Dear Naledi

You are playing with fire and living on dreams.

You’ve sent lots of emails and texts but have only met up with your lover four times. Is that enough to know he is The One? It seems more likely to me that you are using each other as a distraction from your lacklustre marriages. That isn’t unusual but keep your eyes open in case this backfires.

What if your husband decides that enough is enough, that he can’t stand you cheating and finds somebody else? What if your lover puts pressure on you to leave home?I’m not sure you want that as much as you say.

Suggest that you take a break from each other – for three months, say – while you give your life-partners the time and attention they need. Ask your husband to see his GP in case he has a medical problem that needs sorting.

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