If you’re anything like me, just hearing the word “conflict” sends you running to the hills. I’m a people-pleaser to the highest degree, so dealing with folks who aren’t pleased with me causes me a lot of anxiety. Giving someone bad news, boldly stating my opinions when I know they differ from others’, and having hard conversations aren’t really strengths of mine. Usually I just fake it until I make it. Unfortunately, when it comes to marriage, one can only fake it so much.

 

07-couple-w724

 

John Gottman, Ph.D., a world-renowned marriage researcher, theorized three types of conflict styles that people tend to exhibit when in relationships with one another: avoidance, validating, and volatile. Avoiders, like me, resist conflict like the plague. People who are volatile are highly expressive with their emotions and have no problem discussing their differences in opinion with loved ones. Lastly, validators fall somewhere in between, expressing their emotions and opinions in steady and calm ways.

I first learned about these three conflict styles in graduate school during my couples’ therapy class. Slowly I began to understand why my husband and I struggle so much during conflict: I’m a conflict avoider, and my husband is volatile, which is a significant mismatch. Any time we disagree, I want to run and hide, while he wants to talk it out—sometimes loudly. I couldn’t help but wonder how in the world we’d actually work through this and learn how to productively resolve conflict.

A few months ago, however, I found hope. In a meeting, I was introduced to an exercise called “Ouch and Oops,” not knowing it would have any kind of impact on my marriage. Everyone at the meeting was told that if anyone became offended by something someone else said, he/she should say, “Ouch!” Immediately, the person who made the offensive remark was to respond with “Oops!” and apologize for their mishap. The two individuals involved could later discuss the incident further, if appropriate. Instantly I was intrigued and wanted to tell my husband more about this exercise.
So many times, when I unintentionally say something hurtful, my husband reacts the way most volatile people usually do—loudly and emotionally. Instead of apologizing (as I should, since I did something wrong!), I can be quick to avoid the conversation altogether by being defensive.

Defensiveness is never helpful during a disagreement and as a result, my husband would often feel disregarded by my attempts to deflect his feelings.

“Ouch and Oops” works really well because it gives my husband a way to gently initiate conflict. As soon as I hear him say it, I know to immediately say “Oops!” and tune in to his feelings, rather than disregard them. It starts the conversation on the right foot before it gets out of hand, which also helps me feel less anxious. Honestly, it’s been a win/win for the both of us.

I still remember having a quiet yet intense disagreement with my husband a few months ago. As soon as I heard him say “Ouch,” I stopped in my tracks, said “Oops,” and prepared myself to listen to his perspective. It almost didn’t even feel like conflict but rather a really intense conversation. After we worked our way through it, I remember thinking, Wow…I think that helped. Prior to that evening, we had only really used “Ouch and Oops” in a joking manner. During that conversation, however, we actually respected each other’s differences and found ourselves on the other side, completely unscathed.

If you and your partner really struggle to initiate conflict, perhaps because of differing conflict styles, I definitely recommend trying the “Ouch and Oops” method. It may sound silly, but in my experience, it works. I’m not going to guarantee that all your arguments will be smooth sailing here on out, but learning how to initiate conflict in a nonconfrontational manner certainly won’t make matters worse.

124 COMMENTS

  1. I simply want to tell you that I’m new to weblog and absolutely savored your page. Likely I’m want to bookmark your website . You amazingly have fabulous articles and reviews. Many thanks for sharing with us your website page.

  3. Faytech North America is a touch screen Manufacturer of both monitors and pcs. They specialize in the design, development, manufacturing and marketing of Capacitive touch screen, Resistive touch screen, Industrial touch screen, IP65 touch screen, touchscreen monitors and integrated touchscreen PCs. Contact them at http://www.faytech.us, 121 Varick Street, New York, NY 10013, +1 646 205 3214

  6. I’ve been absent for a while, but now I remember why I used to love this site. Thanks, I will try and check back more often. How frequently you update your site?

  7. After study a number of the blog posts on the web site now, i truly much like your method of blogging. I bookmarked it to my bookmark internet site list and you will be checking back soon. Pls look at my web site likewise and tell me if you agree.

  10. Google

    Check beneath, are some absolutely unrelated internet websites to ours, nonetheless, they may be most trustworthy sources that we use.

  11. assembly solutions

    […]Wonderful story, reckoned we could combine several unrelated data, nevertheless definitely worth taking a appear, whoa did one understand about Mid East has got much more problerms too […]

  17. The the next time I just read a blog, I hope so it doesnt disappoint me around this place. After all, It was my option to read, but When i thought youd have something fascinating to mention. All I hear is often a few whining about something that you could fix should you werent too busy looking for attention.

  18. I would like to voice my love for your generosity giving support to visitors who really want guidance on this particular field. Your personal dedication to passing the solution along has been quite valuable and have without exception helped those like me to get to their objectives. The helpful hints and tips can mean much a person like me and further more to my office workers. Thanks a ton; from everyone of us.

  19. I wanted to create you a little bit of observation in order to give many thanks over again about the lovely secrets you’ve documented at this time. This has been so particularly generous of you to allow easily all that a lot of people might have offered for sale for an electronic book in making some profit for their own end, especially considering the fact that you could have tried it in the event you wanted. The pointers likewise acted like the easy way to understand that most people have the identical interest just as my own to know more and more with reference to this matter. I am sure there are lots of more pleasant periods ahead for folks who read your blog post.

  21. Simply want to say your article is as astonishing. The clearness in your post is just cool and i could assume you’re an expert on this subject. Well with your permission let me to grab your RSS feed to keep updated with forthcoming post. Thanks a million and please continue the rewarding work.

  22. Thanks a lot for providing individuals with such a marvellous possiblity to read from this blog. It’s usually so nice and packed with amusement for me and my office colleagues to visit your site the equivalent of thrice in one week to learn the newest guidance you will have. And lastly, we’re always satisfied concerning the effective creative concepts you serve. Certain 2 areas in this post are undeniably the most beneficial we’ve had.

  23. Hi my family member! I wish to say that this post is awesome, great written and include approximately all important infos. I¡¦d like to look extra posts like this .

  24. Wow, incredible blog layout! How long have you been blogging for? you make blogging look easy. The overall look of your web site is fantastic, as well as the content!

  25. What i don’t realize is in truth how you are no longer really much more well-liked than you might be now. You’re very intelligent. You realize thus significantly on the subject of this matter, produced me personally imagine it from numerous numerous angles. Its like men and women aren’t fascinated except it is something to accomplish with Lady gaga! Your personal stuffs nice. At all times handle it up!

  27. Wow! This can be one particular of the most beneficial blogs We’ve ever arrive across on this subject. Actually Excellent. I’m also an expert in this topic therefore I can understand your effort.

  28. Cool Water Woman Parfum

    […]we like to honor several other web web sites around the internet, even though they aren’t linked to us, by linking to them. Underneath are some webpages really worth checking out[…]

  41. I think this is one of the most important information for me. And i’m glad reading your article. But want to remark on some general things, The web site style is ideal, the articles is really great : D. Good job, cheers

  45. Artist

    […]check below, are some completely unrelated internet websites to ours, having said that, they are most trustworthy sources that we use[…]

  55. Great weblog right here! Also your site rather a lot up very fast! What host are you the use of? Can I get your associate link to your host? I want my website loaded up as quickly as yours lol

  59. s128

    […]just beneath, are quite a few completely not related internet sites to ours, on the other hand, they’re certainly really worth going over[…]

  60. I¡¦ll immediately clutch your rss as I can’t in finding your email subscription link or e-newsletter service. Do you’ve any? Kindly permit me understand in order that I may just subscribe. Thanks.

  61. I was just seeking this info for some time. After six hours of continuous Googleing, finally I got it in your web site. I wonder what is the lack of Google strategy that don’t rank this kind of informative websites in top of the list. Usually the top websites are full of garbage.

  66. I must express some appreciation to this writer just for rescuing me from this predicament. As a result of surfing throughout the the net and meeting suggestions that were not helpful, I thought my entire life was well over. Existing without the answers to the issues you have solved as a result of your entire review is a critical case, and ones that would have negatively affected my career if I hadn’t discovered the blog. Your talents and kindness in handling every item was excellent. I don’t know what I would’ve done if I had not discovered such a solution like this. I can also at this moment look ahead to my future. Thanks for your time very much for your professional and effective help. I won’t think twice to refer your blog post to any individual who would like guidelines about this subject.

  78. freesex videos

    […]Wonderful story, reckoned we could combine a number of unrelated information, nevertheless genuinely really worth taking a search, whoa did 1 find out about Mid East has got more problerms also […]

  96. Complimentary shuttle

    […]we prefer to honor quite a few other online web-sites around the web, even when they aren’t linked to us, by linking to them. Beneath are some webpages worth checking out[…]

  97. Comedy Hip hop

    […]Wonderful story, reckoned we could combine a couple of unrelated data, nevertheless truly worth taking a look, whoa did one particular discover about Mid East has got much more problerms also […]

  105. check my site

    […]very few internet sites that take place to be in depth beneath, from our point of view are undoubtedly effectively really worth checking out[…]

LEAVE A REPLY

Please enter your comment!
Please enter your name here