So, okay — you’ve nailed a few things about having sex down to an art.
You know how to move your hips, you’ve likely made at least one woman (we hope) orgasm and you can get the job done with your hand if you’re in need. But while your 20s are full of one night stands, bad experiences and some pretty incredible ones, by the time you get to the big 3-0, women everywhere are livin’ on a prayer that you up your sex game for the next decade.
Straight from your future wife’s heart to the expert advice of sex therapists, here are the nine things you should know how to do in the bedroom before you turn 30:
How to put your partner’s pleasure before your own.
Chances are you’ve known how to make yourself ejaculate since you first discovered masturbation as a teenager. While many women do explore early, it often takes much (much!) longer for women to reach the grand finale. To be a caring, loving and passionate lover, it’s important that you don’t finish too fast and ruin the experience for her. “There’s a bigger pay off to you when you put her pleasure before yours. It shows that you are not only a considerate lover but many women interpret it as an overall sensitivity and statement about your respect for her,” relationship and sex therapist Dr. Kat Van Kirk says. “Learn to enjoy the sensation of making out and foreplay to make sure that you develop a more inclusive definition of sex.”
How to go down on a woman… effectively.
We’re not sure who started the rumor that to make a woman orgasm you simply draw the alphabet with your tongue down there, but we’re here to call bulls***. “Many younger men get intimated by oral sex and don’t learn to fully enjoy it,” Dr. Kirk says. “As you approach 30, you should have had enough practice to learn how to relax into it and watch her response so that you’ll — and she’ll — get more out of it.” If you need a little tutorial, Dr. Kirk says to not focus entirely on the head of the clitoris: “The clitoris is actually wishbone shaped and runs down either side of the vagina under the labia. Learn to lick, suck and tease the labia minora and majora,” she says. “Also give some attention to the area that surrounds the clitoris. Many women find direct clitoral stimulation too much for them.”
How to stay faithful to one woman, and enjoy great sex over time.
Now, there’s nothing wrong with experimenting and casual sex when you’re dating and looking for the right partner. But there also comes a time when you realize that settling in with one person isn’t settling; rather, it’ll create the hottest foundation for some of the best sex of your life — instead of quick fixes that don’t last. If you’re worried about keeping the heat alive, that’s actually a good sign, and means you’ll put effort into making your sex life exciting. “Research says that keeping things spontaneous tends to help keep people together longer,” Dr. Kirk says. “Learning to be vulnerable with your partner about how you feel and what turns you on can help you both feel more invested and satisfied in your relationship over time as well.”
How to understand when she’s not in the mood — but also how to get her into the mood.
Though you might be ready to go at it as soon as you wake up and get annoyed when you’re turned down what seems like every night of the week, sexual maturity means valuing a mutual connection instead of your hard-on. Instead of rolling your eyes or getting upset, consider what you can do to better understand what will get her in the mood instead of why she’s not horny. “Many men (and women) don’t realize that the typical female sexual response cycle is reliant on physical stimulation; which means that either she or you needs to initiate actual touch in order to become aroused,” Dr. Kirk says. “Men have more testosterone in their bodies, which is the main hormonal driver of sex. Women are not as testosterone-driven, therefore arousal often needs to take place through purposeful fantasy or touch first.”
The importance of romance in the bedroom.
If the mere thought of romance seems ridiculous to you — and only something you do on Valentine’s Day when you’re forced — it’s time to rethink what it actually means to be romantic in your relationship. Sometimes, it can be as simple as a sweet note, a soft touch or the right word whispered. Those happy feelings between both of you can actually bring you closer. “Every time you touch your partner in a loving manner, the bonding hormone oxytocin gets released in your body,” Dr. Kirk says. “Romance means making an effort, even if they are small efforts. Lighting a candle, giving a foot rub, pouring a glass of champagne can all be little investments in your romantic life that pay off big time in the end.”
How to go more than once in the same night.
Often times, women might not experience that awesome orgasm from the first time you have sex in an evening, but by the second, they’re fully turned on and ready to go. Problem is, you can’t rise to the challenge every time that you’d like. By 30, you can train yourself — and your body — to be able to give her what she wants. Dr. Kirk says that if you want to ejaculate more than once in the same night, it all has to do with your refractory period, which is the time that elapses from your last ejaculation to your next erection. Times vary and they tend to correlate with age (the shorter the period, the younger you are). “But don’t let that stop you from engaging in more sex play; sometimes you might be pleasantly surprised,” she says. “Also, orgasm and ejaculation are not actually the same process. Many men are able to train themselves to be multiply orgasmic. This means they have learned to orgasm without ejaculating.”
How to get off without sacrificing your partner — or acting like a jack rabbit.
Quickies totally have their time and place, and they’re a healthy addition to your normal sex routine, but they shouldn’t be the go-to move in your sex life. “Unfortunately, many men have trained themselves to ejaculate quickly so they wouldn’t get ‘caught.’ This sexual response then carries over to being with a partner,” Dr. Kirk says. “Re-training yourself to get off in a variety of ways and times will help you become more flexible and able to help you both stay satisfied in bed.” Trust us — no one wants to marry a Jack Rabbit. No one.
How to seduce a woman.
If you want to really, really make her feel sexual and beautiful, the answer is in seduction. However, if you haven’t upped your strategy or the words you use to make her feel loved since college, it’s time to, well, grow up. “Seduction has more to do with emotional connection than physical. A woman needs to feel comfortable with you and know that you are interested in her,” Dr. Kirk says. “Paying attention to what she is saying, making eye contact, appropriately touching her to let her know you are interested, is the best way to grease the wheel — so to speak.”
How to have sex and make love — and know the difference.
When you really care about someone, your sex life will reflect your relationship. While you’ll have some really hot times that have dirty talk, possibly some S&M and some rougher sex, you’ll also want to take the time to really experience each other and make love. “Making love involves more time and and attention to the finer things about sex. It’s all about the details,” Dr. Kirk says. “Having a wider definition of sex and focusing on sensation will help you stay present in the moment. Looking in her eyes at different points during sex and connecting with her on all levels beyond penetration will help you convey to her that you are in it for more than just to get off.”